Back to work today, and received a lot of well wishes today on Michelle’s big event.

All in all, what an amazing day it was.

But, in all honesty, not quite as incredible as this:

Dear Large Rib Kicking Being Inside Of My Wife,

Look kid: don’t take this personally but: It’s 37 weeks now, so……..

Get. Out.

It’s all over. Finished.

Scram! Hit the road! Take a hike (crawl)!

You’re done, son. Cooked. Baked. Ripe.

The checkered flag is waving. The final buzzer has sounded.

The Fat Lady has sung.. (ah, sorry that wasn’t about you, Michelle).

There is absolutely no reason why you aren’t out here with the rest of us, breathing, eating, pooping, trying to get a job, paying taxes and complaining about Congress.

You have officially overstayed your welcome. Consider this your eviction notice.


The Guy Who Is Not Your Father But Is Married To The Vessel You Are Residing In.

Another in our series of posts highlighting the laws of the land in our 50 states (and one district!) in regards to Surrogacy:

Did you know that Nebraska was the only state that has a unicameral legislature (Meaning only one chamber, instead of the usual state Senate and House)?

Also, the state that gave birth to both Kool Aid and Warren Buffett also boasts the largest Czech-American population (as a percentage of the total population) in the nation.

And you probably weren’t aware of these important laws in the Cornhusker State:

If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
Doughnut holes may not be sold

It is Illegal to go whale fishing.

It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.

It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
Sneezing or burping is illegal during a church service.
A man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest.
Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 AM and Noon.

Maybe not as stinky as a barber with onion breath, but Nebraska’s legal stance on gestational surrogacy smells to high heavens as well.

Nebraska law declares compensated surrogacy agreements void and unenforceable, but it is possible that the law would uphold uncompensated agreements. In 2002, the Nebraska Supreme Court declared that state law does not permit “two non-married persons to adopt a minor child, no matter how qualified they are.” One can infer from such a decision that a Nebraska court might look unfavorably upon a surrogacy agreement involving lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender individuals.


Well, that certainly explains a few things……

In other maternity news, Michelle was thrilled to learn that the precious little kidney-kicker she is carrying now weighs in at — 8 pounds!

He’s officially a Whopper!

Yet another blatant theft generous sampling of passages from the instant classic best seller, What To Expect When You’re Expected, by America’s newest funny man David Javerbaum. It’s already a must-read for every developing fetus out there!


In a little over a month, you will have the monopoly on cuteness in your family. (Older siblings? Their charm mortgage forecloses the second your head pokes through.) But for now, your parents are adorable! You should see them together in your room — painting, planning, arranging itsy-bitsy furniture,  having ‘serious’ talks about ‘budgets’ and ‘sharing the responsibility.’ Just like real grown-ups! And the things they come up with! Just now, Mommy said, “You won’t complain about alternating night feedings, will you?” And then Daddy said, “Of course not. I will relish that bonding time.” Oh, if only they could stay that naive!


Week 32

You are a goddamn lazy-ass. Look at you, sleeping 90 to 93 percent of the time. When are you going to do something with your life? Mommy’s ribs ain’t gonna kick themselves.

Week 35

You’re feeling cramped in there, and no wonder. You’re five pounds of carne in a three-pound empanada. And a lot that meat ain’t exactly lean. You’re up to 15% body fat, and you’re getting chubbier by the hour. But your brain is developing at an astonishing rate. Putting all your energy into your mind and not your body, huh? All right, Poindexter. Just don’t come crying to us when the jocks release greased pigs in the Tri-Lam frat! NERRRRRRRRRRRRRD!


The internet is a miraculous parallel universe in which every conceivable fact or opinion is simultaneously true, false, and related to Katie Holmes. This is certainly true in the field of obstetrics. A few short centuries ago, women’s understanding of pregnancy derived largely from what little alarmist, contradictory, spiteful hearsay they painstakingly pieced together over the course of their lives. Now, thanks to the miracle that is the World Wide Web, all that hearsay can be found at the click of a button.

Here are some common  Pregnancy Chat-Room Abbreviations:

IVF                 In vitro fertilization
OMG               Oh My gynecologist
TTC                 Trying to conceive
TTCHSB         Trying to conceive, husband shooting blanks
SHJWIDTHWTSF     Shit, he just walked in; don’t tell him what that stood for
SAHM           Stay at home mom
WAHM         Work at home mom
RAHM          Obama’s chief of staff
LOL               Lots of lactating
LMAO          Lactating my ass off
ORTFLMAO   Rolling on the floor, lactating my ass off
IMHO          I miss having orgasms
2wp             2 weeks pregnant
2mp            2 months pregnant
2yp              I am an African elephant
TWDB          Typing while delivering baby

Thanks to all you folks who added comments or emailed me directly with ideas for my 18th wedding anniversary gifts. (The original post is right here.)

Truly, I’m touched by the heartfelt responses. And your generosity — at least how generous you all would be with spending my money.

After lengthy deliberation and carefully considering all my options, I’ll probably go with one of my two stand-by gift choices:

Oven mitts — can’t ever have too many of those! Or…

Who doesn’t need vacuum cleaner bags?

Thank you….thankyouverymuch.

Halfway home to filling the GuestWomb Field of 64. If you think our first nominees were something special, you’re in for a treat now.

Our top notch Selection Committee has deliberated long and hard on our next bracket — if that’s what you call bookmarking We’ve come up with 16 luminaries from the world of music, movies and God only knows what else. Without further ado, I present the Elvis Regional Bracket

(1) Bill Cosby vs. (16) Rush Limbaugh. There’s always room for pudding and this tremendous role model for the African American community, against a guy who eats a lot of pudding.

(8) Carrot Top vs. (9) Pee Wee Herman. The scariest thing about this pairing: 

After this game, only 15 other males stand in the way of this winner being part of the ultimate Surrogacy arrangement.

(5) Al Roker vs. (12) David Hasselhoff. Every tournament has one of those matchups where you want both guys to lose. This is the one.

(4) Sigfried & Roy vs. (13) Wayne Newton. It’s fitting that Vegas is well represented in the Elvis bracket.

(6) Fabio vs. (11) Alec Baldwin. How did the muscle bound coverboy merit a #6 seed?

He’s matched against one of the truly great father’s of our time, based on his famous voice mail.

(3) Ozzie Osbourne vs. (14) Dennis Rodman. I guarantee the offspring of either of these two are headed for a lifetime of therapy.

(7) Mr. Rogers vs. (10) Spock. It’s a wonderful day in the neighborhood vs. Live long and prosper.

Cardigan sweaters against pointy ears.

(2) Bono vs. (15) Sully Sullenberg. What’s more amazing: Landing an airplane on a river in the middle of NYC without killing anyone? Or going through life wearing those ridiculous sunglasses?

Looking back through this pairings. Uh, wow. I think the Selection Committee was trying to make a statement with these choices. And that statement was:

Are we done yet?

We’ll finish out this prestigious field with the last 16 women, chosen from the world of politics, business and their ability to fog a mirror. We’ll call this the Tila Tequilla Regional.

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