I warned you this would happen.

March Madness — my favorite time of year. Otherwise known as the NCAA Basketball Tournament, I’ve enjoyed this wonderful four weeks of frenzy since….well forever. So many awesome memories associated with it.

Watching games with my Dad on a grainy B&W television as John Wooden’s UCLA teams defined the meaning of a true  ‘sports dynasty’. Attending two Final Fours in person, perched in the extreme nose bleed section of that cement tomb otherwise known as the Seattle Kingdome.

So what does March Madness have to do with Gestational Surrogacy? Well everything of course, at least in my warped mind. Because this month of basketball passion and pagentry is about living the dream. Striving for that ultimate goal. To truly call yourself: Number one.

So back to surrogacy: If you had the chance to pick the Number One male….and female….to create the ultimate embryo to be implanted into a surrogate….who would that be?

Ronald Reagan and Margret Thatcher? Albert Einstein and Madame Curie? How about Andy Warhol and Janice Joplin, pre-1960s drug habit?

See where I’m going here? The possibilities are almost too much to comprehend. How could you possibly arrive at the Final Two?

Well, the answer is quite simple: Using an imaginery tournament set up and run by a blogger with way too much time on his hands!

Welcome to GuestWomb’s Field of 64. This is more like two tourneys in one, with 32 men and 32 women vying for the honor to produce the ultimate surrogate child.

So here’s how it works. The Selection Committee — consisting of myself, a surprisingly agreeable Michelle and my equally warped daughter Emma — have chosen the Field of 64. Thirty two men on one side of the bracket, and 32 women on the other time. We’ve grouped them by categories — sports legends, famous politicians, stars and starletts, etc. Plus a smattering of wildcard entrants who really don’t fit into any one box.

Who’s eligible to be selected? The criteria is pretty wide open. Men and women — and even those who are still trying to figure out which column they fit — of any time period. Dead or alive. Even fictional characters are allowed. Remember this is truly the Dream Team, the ultimate Gestational Surrogacy pairing for all time!

(Notice I didn’t refer to this pairing as necessarily the Best and the Brightest.  Once you see the nominees you’ll see why.)

Did we make the right choices? You’ll soon see. I expect a lot of comments on our selection. Who should have made the list. Who shouldn’t be included. (Carrot Top?!?! Really?) Yes. Really. 

Now that the Selection Committee has made its choice, I’ll then rank them — or in tourney speak, give them seeds. The top ranked entry — or No. 1 seek — will be matched up against the lowest person. So it’ll be No 1 vs. No. 16, then No. 2 vs. No. 15, and so on. Both the men’s and women’s draw will have two 16 ‘team’ regionals or bracksts, just like the real deal.

And just like the NCAAs, we’ll play them off every week or so. We’ll be down to the Sweet 16 by the end of this weekend. The Elite 8 will follow next week, leading into the Final Four. Finally we’ll come up with the utlimate surrogacy pairing and ponder what kind of child this team would produce.

So as we count down the weeks towards our real end game, this should provide a fun diversion to watching Michelle living a little bit larger every day.

Lets get this party started! First up will be the top left bracket on the Men’s Field, sixteen nominees composed of male sports figures, politicians and business leaders.  We’ll call it the John Edwards Regional Bracket!

(IMPORTANT NOTE — This post and more to follow are not meant to minimize or belittle the amazing miracle that is gestational surrogacy. I think my previous 73 posts show my respect and awe for this journey. But c’mon folks, a guy can only write so much about the comings and goings of Michelle’s uterus.

Also: Per the laws of the Commonwealth of Pennyslvania, this bracket is not intended for gambling purposes.) 

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Another in a series of silly surrogacy laws.

From the Pacific Northwest, where people don’t tan…they rust (rim shot) I bring you the laws of the land in the great state of Washington:

It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag

All lollipops are banned.

X-rays may not be used to fit shoes.

A law to reduce crime states: “It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.

One may not spit on a bus.

In Seattle, they are getting REALLY tough on crime because: You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

And the Emerald City is strict in other ways too: Women who sit on men’s laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.

No one may set fire to another person’s property without prior permission.

It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.

Meanwhile, the city of Everrett declares that it’s illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.

And finally in the metropolis of Wilbur, the city father’s have declared: You may not ride an ugly horse.

Ugly is a good way to describe the Evergreen’s state’s stance on surrogacy contracts. The law prohibits surrogacy contracts for compensation over and above medical expenses as against public policy. No person (including lawyers, agencies or organizations) may enter into, induce, procure or otherwise assist in the formation of a surrogacy contract for compensation.

Any person or agency who intentionally violates this provision is guilty of a gross misdemeanor.


We’re now well into Month 4 of Michelle’s life creating project. To give you a glimpse of what’s going on inside her world — literally —  I’ve chosen some more passages from the new book “What To Expect When You’re Expected”, by hilarious funnyman David Javerbaum.

The book is available at every single bookstore in this world and many others, including the internet ,and is a bargain at twice the $15.00 cover price. (That plug should be enough to spare me from the author’s wrath in borrowing his material.)

Here’s what Mr. Javerbaum has to say about what’s happening these next few weeks:

Week 14 — The baby is “really moving now — flexing muscles, wiggling fingers and already demonstrating a broader range of motion than Richard Gere.

Week 15 — “This is when it gets really hard to tell what fruit you’re the same size as. Some say apples, other tangerines. It’s impossible to say for sure as these vital comparisons have become yet another victim of the ongoing “turf war” between obstetricians and the produce distributors…”

Week 16 — “Well, well well…look who’s creating urine! Mazel tov on the excretory system. But word on the street is you’re peeing every 45 minutes. Slow down there, Tinkly — this is a uterus, not a urethra.

Next, our new fav author goes on to discuss Michelle’s next big decision — finding maternity wear. Because…putting it very delicately…she’s beyond the ‘oh wow that was an amazing all-you-can-eat-hot-fudge-sundae-bar-I’ll-diet-tomorrow-and-lose-it, temporary adjustment time period. Thankfully, this amazing book is full of great advice:

“Today’s woman can choose from a variety of stylish and comfortable looks that are at best form-fitting, and at worst not form-mocking. More practically, many of these clothes will adjust as you and Mommy grow bigger, thanks to a well hidden array of straps, bands, buttons, bolts, hinges, clamps, clasps, hasps, knobs, levers, pulleys, ratchets, industrial-strength flanges and steel girded support beams.”

“Of course these clothes will only fit Mommy for a short time. To save money, she might want to consider staying 40 lbs overweight for the rest of her life.”

“Another option is asking to borrow maternity clothes from friends. This she should do without guilt. She will then loan them to some else next year, just as someone loaned them to her friends last year. In fact, it’s an open secret that the same 100,000 maternity dresses have been circulating around the world for the last half century.”

Finally, he wraps up this chapter with some pregnancy factoids from around the world, including:

In Australia, unborn babies are called “bludgeroos’; pregnant women are ‘tammywobbles’.

In Cuba, new fathers, mothers AND babies smoke cigars.

Meanwhile in Israel, fetuses are continually hounded by mothers for ‘never calling’.

In Nambia, all ultrasounds are FedExed to Brangelina.

Girls in the womb in Saudi Arabia are forbidden from “kicking suggestively’.

Panama birth canals are exceedingly long and owned by the government.

And finally, new pregnancies in Vatican City are greeted with a mix of shock and covert pride.

Thanks again to Mr. Javerbaum for allowing me/not noticing that I’m using his rich material.

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OK, back to the silliness.

Every so often, while scribbling some new post for GuestWomb, I pause to reflect and ponder:

Why in the hell am I blogging the play-by-play action going on inside Michelle’s internal organs?

This is the next in a series of posts offering a few of the  infinite number of subjects, themes and ideas I could be devoting my valuable keystrokes to. Here are just a few prospects:  

Tiger Tales — Targeted towards the uber rich and high profile who limo among us, ghost-written for a certain world famous golfer,

dispensing hard earned lessons and advice for guys trying to keep it very discreet. Sample posts include:

  • FOREwarned! — Golf Clubs CAN be weapons.
  • Is She Hotter Than Your Wife’s Temper? — Only you can make that call.
  • Cell Phones = Smoking Guns — Her divorce lawyer’s best tool.  
  • Look out, Trojan Man — NOW what can I endorse?

Wrap/Don’t Wrap — a handy checklist for clumsy gift givers who need help confronting that timeless holiday question: Do I really need to wrestle with too-sticky tape, too-sharp scissors and wrinkled ripped paper? Or can I just put in a garbage sack and call it good for that Holiday gift? 

  • Rotweiler — Do not wrap. Under any circumstances.
  • Oven Mitts, Vaccum Cleaner Bags, Toilet Brush — Wrap with yellow pages starting with first listing of: Divorce Lawyer.
  • Private Carribean Island — Wrap with sheets ofuncut $100 bills from the US Treasury, made from Brazilian rain forest trees.
  • .25 ct. Diamond Engagement  — Wrap with newspaper circular from Walmart, K-Mart, or any other store that ends in -Mart.
  • 10 ct. Diamond Engagement Ring — Wrap with Pre-Nup agreement.
  • Omaha Steaks Filet Mignon — Wrap in Bearnaise Sauce and bacon.  Keep for self.

Bubba’s Guide to the Holidays– Forget the Griswolds or the guys doing those synchronized light shows that show up on YouTube. This is the real guy’s guide to celebrating the season:

Start with your outdoor decorations:

Then finish your decorating inside the house.

Pick out that favorite Christmas Sweater….

And how abour a little music to set the mood?


What’s in a name? A whole bunch.

When Mom and Dad (or Mom and Mom!) come up with that perfect monicker, they’re doing a lot more than simply honoring a favorite family member, friend or vacation locale. (Paris, anyone?). No, I maintain they’re setting cosmic events into motion and  influencing history. And quite possibly dooming him or her to a childhood full of torment and teasing. And maybe beyond childhood, too.

For instance, what if American icon John Wayne would have instead grown up with the name:

Marion Morrison.

(What? Really? Oh. Bad example)

This is the next in a series of suggested names for Michelle’s temporary body tenant, with possible life experiences and scenarios:

Name: Bobby Jo Precious

Sex: F

Childhood Highlights:
Fitted for her first tiara, age 6 months. Only child in neighborhood with a rhinestone studded baby blanket.

Learned to walk on catwalk constructed in family garage, age 13 months. Learned to walk in heels on catwalk, age 15 months.

Lost first baby teeth, age 5. First use of teeth whitener, age 5 years, 1 month. Mom cautioned by doctor to limit child to only one spray tan per week.

Entered 1st beauty pageant, age 3. Completed 100th beauty paegant, age 5. Number of pageants won — 3, all in Arkansas.

What she wants to be when she grows up — age 10: Miss  America / orthodontist.

What she wants to be when she grows up — age 23: Princess

Favorite Sport Growing Up: Anything she could wear her cheerleading costume to.

Favorite Song: It’s all about me, by Chelsea Staub

Possible Cruel Nicknames She’ll Endure In School — Barbie. Prom Queen. Diva. Little Miss Perfect. Dumb Blonde. Dumber Blonde. Dumber than a sack of doornobs Blonde. 

Exerpt from High School Yearbook: OMG, do you remember the time we thought we were using hair spray and it turned out to be cooking spray. It did wonders for my highlights! Too bad you didn’t make Homecoming Queen. I know you were really depressed about it but I’m sure you’ll bounce back real soon. Maybe next year? Hey, did you get that job at Hooters? We’ll meet some really classy guys there. Love ya, TTYL.  Britney. <33

Over/under on number of hair pulling fights before 7th grade: 7.5.

Favorite Birthday or Xmas Gift, Teen Years — Modeling Lessons, from Bob’s Mail  Order School of Runway Success, headquartered in that media center, Omaha, Nebraska.

Favorite TV Show Growing Up:
 Miss America Paegents, Project Runway, My Super Sweet 16. Bought all the DVDs of Toddlers In Tiaras, including all the episodes she appeared in.

Academic Career:
Showed up for school most of the time. First runner-up Prom Queen, Winter Dance Queen, Homecoming Queen, Head Cheerleader Tryouts.

Eventual Occupation: Assistant Manager, Hooters, Bentonville, Arkansas.

(Thanks to mydaughter Sara for her invaluable assistance on this post)

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The first of a series of posts examining the law and surrogacy. 

In America’s Oven Mitt, the great state of Michigan, it’s the law:

A woman isn’t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.

It is illegal for a man to scowl at his wife on Sunday.

No person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.

It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell them as parakeets.

And finally in Rochester, MI:

All bathing suits must have been inspected by the head of police.

Not quite as pervy, but every bit as ridiculous: Michigan’s view on Gestational Surrogacy. The contractual arrangement that Michelle has with the IPs is expressly outlawed in this backward state. In fact, if we lived in the Wolverine State, Michelle could be sitting in a jail cell. (Orange maternity wear?)

While the half abandoned cities of Detroit, Flint, Pontiac and others smoulder in economic ruin, the state government has been very busy inserting itself into surrogacy arrangement. Michigan has one of the strictest laws prohibiting surrogacy contracts, not only holding them unenforceable, but also imposing fines and jail time on anyone who enters into such a contract (up to five years and $50,000 for some).

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What’s in a name? A lot. In fact, I happen to think that a person’s fate..their destiny..is directly influenced by the name that’s attached to them as they go through life.

Would Obama be in the Oval Office right now if his name was:

Percy Obama

 I think not.

So now that’s it’s on….it’s time to offer a few ideas for the IPs to consider. I’ll toss out some possible handles, and then theorize how their life may unfold:

Name: Vincent (Vinny) Maximus  

Sex:
M

Childhood Highlights:
Learned to walk at 6 months. Learned to count to 21 at 9 months. Neighborhood candy dealer at age 7.  Learned to play violin, age 10. Began using empty violin case to smuggle stolen Playboys into school, age 10, 1 month. 

What he wants to be when he grows up — age 10:
Professional gambler/ astronaut.

Favorite Sport Growing Up: 7 card stud.  Baseball, but only hitting.

Possible Cruel Nicknames He’ll Endure In School — Skinny Vinny. Candyman. Batman.

Exerpt from High School Yearbook:
“Loved hanging with you in Mr. Allen’s class. Hey — I’ll pay you back that loan just as fast as I can. Just please don’t use your baseball bat on me again. Your best friend forever, Steve”

Over/under on number of fights before 7th grade:
17.5.

Favorite TV Show Growing Up:
Sopranos reruns. Cops. Celebrity Poker, 24 hour Horse Racing Channel.

Academic Career:
Middling student except for math where he excelled. Upon graduation, promptly enrolled at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. Internships in Atlantic City, Monte Carlo and at the Bada Bing.

Eventual Occupation: Sr. VP of Exotic Investment Instruments, AIG