When you look at this bracket, she was an obvious naming choice.

Imagine you’re in an elevator heading down. The car comes to a stop at the 13th floor. The doors open and you find yourself surrounded by this group entering/stumbling in:
One of the Brady Bunch.
A 50s-era cheesecake photo dominatrix.
THE gay icon
A ruined Disney teen star or two.
Multiple drug-addled singer-actresses.
A 1920’s and current era cartoon character
A 2009 Jersey Shore character so bizarre she’d be more believable as a cartoon.

No, this elevator isn’t going on an express descent to hell. You’ve found yourself in the middle of the next bracket of GuestWomb’s Field of 64.

If you’ve happened to stumble upon this humble blog, and have no idea what I’m talking about, I suggest you go here. Or just leave with your sanity intact.

Still here? OK, then.  Today we’re heading over to the female side of the bracket, unveiling the Paris Hilton Regional. Our Selection Committee labored for at least 12 minutes to choose the actresses and singers who best represent the ultimate Gestational Surrogate.

Now, to the matchups:

(1) Beyoncé vs. (16) Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, 2011 (legal) version. This is basically a bye for the ebony megastar. She’s gonna be a tough out in this tourney. Miley/Hannah isn’t even of legal age to be a surrogate. Well, maybe in…Montana.

(8) Snookie vs. (9) Betty Boop. How do you find a person more shallow than a 2-dimensional cartoon?

Hello,  Snookie.

(5) Mrs. Brady vs. (12) Britney Spears. Consider their made-for-TV spouses. Mike Brady was secretly in the closet. Kevin Federline was not so secretly in the refrigerator.  

(4) A  Kardashian To Be Named Later (pick one) vs. (13) Marge Simpson. Take your pick of the E network all star Kardashians. This is a matchup of a cartoonish woman saddled with a bizarre and dysfunctional family against…… Ah, make it a matched set.

(6) Whitney Houston, pre-Bobby Brown era vs. (11) Betty Page.

Early Whitney was the first Beyoncé. If only she would have Betty’s whips and handcuffs,
I bet she would have put Bobby in his place.

(3) Lindsey Lohan vs. (13) Betty White. I imagine both of these women might be snorting some powder before this matchup. Of course, Betty would be doing lines of Metamucil. Alas, I’m not sure Betty’s doctor is going to go for the whole surrogacy thing. She is 88 for God’s sake. Then again, they OKed Michelle, so….

(7) Pam Anderson vs. (10) Cher. Most young boys during the 1980s and 90s lusted after one of these two women. Alas, for very different reasons. Neither one of these nominees will be showing up on a ‘best dressed’ list anytime soon.

(2) Lady Gaga vs. (15) Amy Winehouse/Courtney Love. Weird vs. Weirder and Weirder Still. While this might seem like a mismatch for the lady with the Poker Face and few clothes, it’s really not. We just figure that either Winehouse or Love will be in Celebrity Rehab and only one will show.

So there you go — the sixteen ladies from the stage and screen battling for their place in surrogacy supremacy. Luckily there’s no drug testing to get in this event or we’d be left with Mrs. Brady vs. Betty White.

We’ll journey back over to the Men’s field tomorrow with our picks for actors, singers and the others too difficult to categorize. Fittingly, we’ll call it the Elvis Regional Bracket.

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