Yet another blatant theft generous sampling of passages from the instant classic best seller, What To Expect When You’re Expected, by America’s newest funny man David Javerbaum. It’s already a must-read for every developing fetus out there!
MONTH 8 — ALLOW 6 TO 8 WEEKS FOR DELIVERY
In a little over a month, you will have the monopoly on cuteness in your family. (Older siblings? Their charm mortgage forecloses the second your head pokes through.) But for now, your parents are adorable! You should see them together in your room — painting, planning, arranging itsy-bitsy furniture, having ‘serious’ talks about ‘budgets’ and ‘sharing the responsibility.’ Just like real grown-ups! And the things they come up with! Just now, Mommy said, “You won’t complain about alternating night feedings, will you?” And then Daddy said, “Of course not. I will relish that bonding time.” Oh, if only they could stay that naive!
BEST WEEKS EVER 32-35
Week 32
You are a goddamn lazy-ass. Look at you, sleeping 90 to 93 percent of the time. When are you going to do something with your life? Mommy’s ribs ain’t gonna kick themselves.
Week 35
You’re feeling cramped in there, and no wonder. You’re five pounds of carne in a three-pound empanada. And a lot that meat ain’t exactly lean. You’re up to 15% body fat, and you’re getting chubbier by the hour. But your brain is developing at an astonishing rate. Putting all your energy into your mind and not your body, huh? All right, Poindexter. Just don’t come crying to us when the jocks release greased pigs in the Tri-Lam frat! NERRRRRRRRRRRRRD!
PREGNANCY AND THE INTERNET: THE WORLD WIDE WOMB
The internet is a miraculous parallel universe in which every conceivable fact or opinion is simultaneously true, false, and related to Katie Holmes. This is certainly true in the field of obstetrics. A few short centuries ago, women’s understanding of pregnancy derived largely from what little alarmist, contradictory, spiteful hearsay they painstakingly pieced together over the course of their lives. Now, thanks to the miracle that is the World Wide Web, all that hearsay can be found at the click of a button.
Here are some common Pregnancy Chat-Room Abbreviations:
IVF In vitro fertilization
OMG Oh My gynecologist
TTC Trying to conceive
TTCHSB Trying to conceive, husband shooting blanks
SHJWIDTHWTSF Shit, he just walked in; don’t tell him what that stood for
SAHM Stay at home mom
WAHM Work at home mom
RAHM Obama’s chief of staff
LOL Lots of lactating
LMAO Lactating my ass off
ORTFLMAO Rolling on the floor, lactating my ass off
IMHO I miss having orgasms
2wp 2 weeks pregnant
2mp 2 months pregnant
2yp I am an African elephant
TWDB Typing while delivering baby
