We will return you to your usual Guestwomb.com posts, the  irreverent and semi humorous entries that both of my regular readers have come to expect, in a few paragraphs.

Today I have something heavier on my mind. Or maybe on my soul. Actually I’ve been thinking about them since September when Michelle was implanted with two embryos and the journey was underway.  The ‘them’ I refer to are the ones who didn’t make it.

Our IPs had four frozen embryos left from earlier surrogacy efforts. The plan was to select hopefully three to implant in Michelle to maximize the chances of at least one child produced. But when we arrived in the operating room for the procedure that morning, the count was already down to two.

I was able to look at microscopic images and it was clear even to me that two embryos came out of the thawing process in perfect condition and were starting to literally bud out, like a tiny little blossom of potential life.

And then I saw the others — just tiny little cell clusters really. There was no budding out, no bloom. No growth at all. For one reason or another that only fertility experts could tell you, these two didn’t make it. They were truly dead. Their journey was over before it started.

Of course some would argue that these two DID start the journey. That human life begins at the very joining of an egg and sperm, however it may occur. For most — 99.9% of all people on this planet — this came about through the most natural of methods. And then there are those special few who, thanks to the miracle of modern science, find themselves in this world. Probably the most anticipated and wanted children in the world, given all it took to bring about this miracle!

I’ve thought to myself that what Michelle is doing is the ultimate ‘right to life’ statement. It’s only because our IPs couldn’t bear the thought to simply destroy these embryos that a little boy or girl will be coming into the world in a few months.  There are those on both the right- and left-wing fringe of society who believe the whole concept of surrogacy as ‘playing God’ and interfering with the natural order of things. But isn’t that what medical doctors have done since the dawn of time in trying to extend human life? Breakthroughs and discoveries have promoted lifespans to record lengths. The science pioneered by clinics such as IVF are simply working on the other end of things. Just as your cardiologist, lung specialist or cancer professionals seek to prolong life, the fertility doctors help make possible life at the very start for people who, for various reasons, require the assistance of science to create life.

I’ll devote some other chapters of Guestwomb.com about these groups who oppose surrogacy and what their concerns are. Some have to do with the compensation aspect and their opposition is understandable. While I don’t have any doubts that Michelle is doing a wonderful thing, I’ve been confronted by the inconsistencies of my own personal values about issues like abortion and choice.

My own opinions on what constitutes the beginnings of life, and man’s right to intervene are getting more complex as the years go by. When I was younger and life was simple, this and many other issues seemed so clear cut, completely black and white. I grew up in a strongly Republican, Red State and Conservative place and those were pretty much my values. It was a comfortable position and I really didn’t have cause or reason to question it.

Now almost 50 years of experience and knowledge later, I see things in a different light. No. More like a diffused light. I think that each of us looks through their own window to survey life. When I was young and naive it was a clear window, where the sunlight hits and comes glaring through in a bright harsh beam. 

As the years roll by, I think our personal windows are no longer so clear. It becomes more like stained glass. It’s the same intense white light hitting the outside of the panes, but the light energy passing through the now tinted glass takes on different hues, colors and intensities. Its our personal experiences and knowledge that produce these tints. Sometimes the light is filtered by personal experience. Or the light shines in patterns brought about by knowledge and exploration. And most everybody has some panes where the tints are so dark through prejudice or hate that light is reflected off, unable to penetrate through.

And so what used to be a very stark issue of right and wrong is now bathed in a mosaic of light and opinions. Reds and blues. Lights and darks. For me, it’s the long held belief in the sanctity of life at one extreme versus the pragmatic and often cruel reality of modern life on the other.

Did God really want that little boy born this minute in the worst of the worst country on earth to come into the world, knowing that he has but weeks to live a tortured and starved stunted life? How can the Catholic Church keeps its head in the sand over basic issues such as contraception.

And on the other side, how can people be so shallow and callous as to have ‘morning after’ pills stocked and ready to go in their bathroom medicine cabinets right alongside their Tylenol and toothpaste.  

This is not the time, place or blog to settle or even explore these issues.  I’m just stating what I saw in September, and what it made me feel. 

I saw with my own eyes what was close to the very start of life for the child now growing within Michelle. When did this tiny little mass of cells go from a rapidly multiplying clot of cells to that critical mass of a human being with a soul? What is that magic line in the uterus? Is it simply the point in which this tiny little blob has the potential — all things being equal — of achieving life on its own without science’s help?

Of course all things are NOT equal in this situation. Our IPs, blessed with extraordinary resolve and resources, were determined to make this life happen. They found the perfect partner and carrier in Michelle to realize this dream. For her part, Michelle is devoting almost a year of her life to fulfill this wish. And she’s surrounded by loving, supportive people determined to help her make this happen.

This didn’t happen naturally in any sense of the words. And yet Michelle doing this wonderful deed seems as natural and right as anything I can imagine right now.

So many complex and unanswerable questions and issues. That wasn’t what I was thinking about back in September. On that blessed day, the focus was the accomplishment of Michelle’s successful implantation. Michelle and I, and our IPs, Barb and Michelle, were full of hope and joy that our journey was launched.

Yet at the same time I felt a profound and deep feeling of sadness about the two that didn’t bloom. I came face to face with a true life and death situation in that operating room, and I came away from with new found feelings and thoughts about the absolutely amazing mystery of life.

And every once in awhile, I’ll think about the two who didn’t blossom.