Silliness



Our wedding anniversary is coming up — on April 4 to be exact. Ah, 18 continually blissful, calm, placid, stress-free years together as a family..

OK, even I had to roll my eyes over that one.

Despite our ups and downs — with a few loop-de-loops thrown in for good measure — we’ve beaten the odds and made it almost two decades as man and wife. Which begs the age old question:

What’s the perfect anniversary gift for the woman who was made pregnant by another man? (And another woman too, if you’re keeping score at home)

Anyone have a suggestion?


I knew this journey was going to be full of surprises. But here’s one that I really didn’t expect: I’ve found a new guilty pleasure.

It’s keeping score of the blog. In other words, watching the trickle of folks come and go into the site. This blog is created in WordPress and they’ve got a pretty nifty dashboard that lets me see all kinds of stats and numbers. I go up there 3-4 times a day to view the scoreboard.

Which is pretty silly because the traffic is more like a two lane dirt road in the middle of Nevada than a street scene in midtown Manhattan. But it’s slowly growing.

The charts go from just a couple of people wandering in. Then some more. And a few more. And now it’s a pretty steady stream everyday. My traffic. My audience. And it’s nice to know that my words are becoming a part of a few people’s day.

Most of the people who come upon this place are because of my participation in others’ blogs, adding comments or messages with my web link. But more than a few have literally stumbled upon this place by doing Google searches. WordPress actually records what search term people are using to click into GuestWomb. So this abridged list below are actual search terms from Google that brought people to my site:

  • Guest Womb. GuestWomb. Guestwomb.com Yep. This must be my Mom, forgetting the name of the site.
  • Gestational Surrogacy. Surrogacy. Sure, all those make sense.
  • Tila Tequilla. Tila Pregnant. Tila Tequilla Smoking Yeah, those Tila updates have been popular.
  • Embarrassing Facebook Pictures. Hm.
  • Mexican Mowing Lawn. What?
  • Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, courtney
  • Surrogacy Horror Stories. Horror Stories of Surrogacy. Well, hopefully not.
  • Funny Man Mowing Grass Images.
  • Electromicroscope.
  • “Bobs Mail Order” sample. Scratching head.
  • Baseball Throwing Yips
  • It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell. I should hope so.
  • Michigan law wife’s hair. Uh, ok. I hope they found what they needed on GuestWomb.
  • Bear stained glass.
  • Scariest Roller Coaster. Well, maybe.
  • Lollipops banned in washington state
  • Oldest Dallas cowboys cheerleader girl. Would that be Courtney?
  • Virginia law tickle woman
  • Pimp suit
  • Paris Hilton baby photo. Oh please God no.
  • Misdeeds. You’ve come to the right place.
  • Ted Kaczynski timeline.
  • Illegal fishbowl on bus

And I’m not making this up:

  • Baby pic with big dick.

Stealing a line from a famous internet author:

Yep, these are my readers.


GuestWomb will try to take credit for this, too.

In the very best tradition of Steven Colbert: Score one for GuestWomb!

Lawmakers in the state of Washington have succumbed to the pressure of humiliation and scorn, arising from their recent lampooning in GuestWomb.com:

State House says paid surrogacy should be legal

Women in Washington should be allowed to collect money for becoming surrogate mothers, the state House decided Monday.

By BRIAN EVERSTINE

The Associated Press

OLYMPIA — Women in Washington should be allowed to collect money for becoming surrogate mothers, the state House decided Monday. On a 59-39 vote, lawmakers approved a bill that would allow women be paid for serving as a “gestational surrogate” — meaning they carry a child, but are not its biological mother.

Under the bill, House Bill 2793, surrogates would have to be at least 21 and have previously given birth to a child. Additional requirements include obtaining medical coverage for the pregnancy and immediately after birth, passing mental and physical examinations, and signing a written consent form. Prospective parents also would have to meet certain requirements, including a mental health evaluation and an affidavit from a doctor attesting to a medical need for surrogacy. Gay and lesbian couples, however, wouldn’t need a doctor’s certification.

Just as I was beginning to think that Washington’s lawmakers are a progressive bunch, the story takes a decided turn to the absurd:

Opponents of the bill said introducing money into the decision raises a risk of women becoming “factories” to carry children.

“Money is often a crucial factor that would cause a woman to hire out her body,” said Rep. Norma Smith, R-Clinton. “Will these women have no identity apart from being a suitcase to carry a developing infant? How far will they be pushed into invisibility as a surrogate?”

Ha. Surrogates pushed into invisibility. That’s a good one. Hasn’t she read this?

Why do I suspect Ms. Smith is a Sarah Palin supporter?

In other Washington state law:

It is illegal to pretend that one’s parents are rich.

It is illegal to buy a mattress on Sunday.

It is  illegal to sleep in an outhouse without the owner’s permission.

In Spokane, Wash., it used to be illegal to interrupt a religious meeting by having a horse race. Thankfully, this onerous law has been repealed.


My wife said she looked long and hard to come up with just the right Valentine’s message this year. Something like:

I love it that you’re letting me have another man’s baby.

Unfortunately Hallmark doesn’t seem to stock that theme…


And so begins the most politically incorrect — possibly borderline rude — post to make onto Guestwomb.com thus far.

At least I hope so. I’ve typed out other, even more controversial posts intended for this space. Here were a few of the working titles/topics:

Baby, Space Alien or Human Turducken? You make the call.

Back to the bargaining table? Michelle’s surrogacy fee didn’t cover MY pain, suffering and sacrifice,and how am I gonna cover the hookers, ‘blow and bail money for those last few weeks of her pregnancy when I’m in Vegas?

19 Bizarre Habits of Pregnant Women, and the Men Who Start A Secret Blog In Order to Write Rude Insensitive Comments About Them.

I have NO idea who the father is? It could be one of a dozen guys….” — rib-splittingly funny ways to shock complete strangers about Michelle’s pregnancy.

Sadly Michelle, the official blog censor, squashed each and every one of them.  She’s just not a good sport about such things.

But I digress:

This post concerns one of the two most sensitive topics to every woman on the globe. Age is one of them, but I’m not going there. (Yet.)

A lady’s weight is the other. I think every man knows these are quicksand topic areas, and should do his best to avoid discussing at all costs. But am I just any guy? No. Way. 

I just have to weigh in here, truly awful pun intended. First let’s set the record straight: By all apparent and not so apparent signs, Michelle is having a normal, healthy pregnancy. The alien baby is growing right on schedule, already 12 inches long, well over 2 lbs himself, all signs good. Thumbs up, everything AOK.

And outwardly things look…well normal. I’d like to phrase this next part most delicately: As she’s now just starting on month 7 of this pregnancy, Michelle is beyond just ‘glowing’, and having that cute little ‘baby bump’ that everyone talks about.

No, she’s beyond all that. (And here’s where I spend just about all the goodwill capital I’ve built up with my loyal and tiny audience. You’ve come to recognize me as the ultra supportive husband, who is 100% behind my wife’s decision to embark on this journey. Right? Well, remember that as we progress down this slippery slope.

So let’s speak the plain truth. She is now…ripe.

Bountiful.  Abundant. Temporarily Zaftig.

Parentally Plump. She’s a SBABW — Semi-Big All Beautiful Woman.

Michelle has a bun — plus three cupcakes, a prune Danish and quite possibly a bundt cake — in her oven.

I think I’ve made my point here. There is roundness which cannot be denied.

Enter the magic.  Our truly magical bathroom scale. Because despite all outward evidence to the contrary, our trusty scale has only moved a couple of pounds north for her. In fact less than five. FIVE POUNDS?!?!

Each time she exits the bathroom and proudly announces her weighty findings I paste a happy smile my face and utter something profoundly supportive such as:

“Oh, no way in hell,” or something else endearing.

And yet I’ve seen it for my own eyes. It’s truly magical. Maybe even a miracle. I’m wondering if her wet foot prints are somehow forming the silhouette of Mary and Jesus when she stands on the scale pads, and that could be a contributing factor.

Michelle has her own theories, some of which she’ll allow me to share with this blog. “Every pregnancy is different,” she maintains. As for her…uh…measurements, that is very true.

With our oldest Emma, M gained a grand total of 45 lbs. With our youngest Sara, that number was down to 19. I’m thinking that the way these numbers are trending, she could launch her own diet plan empire.

I mean if Taco Bell and Subway can really market their crap as being part of a healthy weight loss plan, would it be so crazy to make this claim:

Surrogate Away Those Unwanted Pounds! Michelle’s “Have a Kid and Lose The Weight” plan — Guaranteed results in 9 months!

As for me I’ll go with the magic theory. And hope that a little her witchcraft and sorcery can rub off onto my OWN weight struggles.

(Writer’s note — let it be known that Michelle did listen to me read this draft and approve of its posting. The fact that she was barely awake as she listened has nothing to do with her approval.)


 

Another in a series of silly surrogacy laws.

From the Pacific Northwest, where people don’t tan…they rust (rim shot) I bring you the laws of the land in the great state of Washington:

It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag

All lollipops are banned.

X-rays may not be used to fit shoes.

A law to reduce crime states: “It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.

One may not spit on a bus.

In Seattle, they are getting REALLY tough on crime because: You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

And the Emerald City is strict in other ways too: Women who sit on men’s laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.

No one may set fire to another person’s property without prior permission.

It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.

Meanwhile, the city of Everrett declares that it’s illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.

And finally in the metropolis of Wilbur, the city father’s have declared: You may not ride an ugly horse.

Ugly is a good way to describe the Evergreen’s state’s stance on surrogacy contracts. The law prohibits surrogacy contracts for compensation over and above medical expenses as against public policy. No person (including lawyers, agencies or organizations) may enter into, induce, procure or otherwise assist in the formation of a surrogacy contract for compensation.

Any person or agency who intentionally violates this provision is guilty of a gross misdemeanor.


The scariest pregnant picture ever

As promised here at GuestWomb.com, we are staying abreast — and every other body part — of the Tila Tequila surrogacy story.

My favorite (not) website, TMZ.com is now reporting:

Tila Tequila says she’s pregnant and she’s willing to confirm it — for a price.

We’ve learned Tila is shopping an ultrasound around she says proves she’s having a baby.

As for who the father is … God only knows.

UPDATE: Tila tells TMZ, “I hope it’s a boy but I’m not gonna find out ’cause I don’t wanna know. But if it’s a boy the name is Jayden. A girl – it’s Violet.”

She says the baby daddy is “a Swedish man – gorgeous.”

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Tila Tequilla, left, pre-Internet. At right, second only to Paris Hilton on this blog’s “Most Utterly Useless Person” chart.

Emphasis on the word “party” of course. Because our newest entrant in the ‘Let’s Have A Baby For Somebody Else’ sweepstakes is none other than internet non-personality, Tila Tequilla.

According to various sources, including her own erratic Twitter Feed, the self-made reality starlet announced that she’s says giving the gift of life for Christmas as a surrogate mother for her brother and his wife.

“That is my xmas present to them. I’m pregnant!!!!” Tequilla wrote.

Of course this could all be another publicity stunt. Because just last summer Tequilla started rumors that she was pregnant in a late night Twitter post — which she quickly retracted, probably because someone told her swigging her namesake drink or doing drugs while with child is a big no-no. She must have forgotten that little detail when she agreed to take on this 9-month job.

Tequilla is best known for creating her own importance through collecting ten zillion friends on the formerly-popular site My Space (You DO remember My Space, don’t you? That was Facebook with training wheels).

Once that schtick ran dry, she hosted her own MTV reality/dating/affront to human intelligence show called “Shot at Love” where her bisexuality was played to the hilt.

Now if only Lindsey and Courtney Love can find it in their hearts to do this unselfish act, surrogacy could finally come out of the closet and find its way onto Entertainment Tonight, the E Channel and the gossip tabloids where it belongs! 

Please stay tuned to GuestWomb.com for every late breaking news flash on Tequilla and her own very special surrogacy journey.

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Newton during his USO show at the Patriotic Fe...
Image via Wikipedia

  

Another in our series of posts highlighting the laws of the land in our 50 states (and one district!) in regards to Surrogacy:

From the state that produced 8 US Presidents, the Pentagon and Wayne Newton (really), we present just a few of the laws of Virginia:

Citizens must honk their horn while passing other cars.

It is illegal to tickle women.

No animal may be hunted for on Sunday with the exception of raccoons, which may be hunted until 2:00 AM.

In Culpepper, VA, No one may wash a mule on the sidewalk.

Meanwhile, over in Frederick, VA any person who owns a pool risks a $2500 fine for not closing the gate to the pool when they get done swimming in it.

And in Norfolk, women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.  And yet, a man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman’s derriere.

Also: Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated.

Finally, in Waynesboro, VA it is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag.

Speaking of red flags: Gestational Surrogacy contracts are most unwelcome in the Old Dominion. And especially our relationship with the IPs, Barb and Michelle.

Virginia surrogacy law prohibits compensated surrogacy, as well as excluding same-sex couples from participation in surrogacy arrangements. In fact, Virginia surrogacy law mandates the intended parents be defined as a married man and woman.

It is also a criminal offense in Virginia to pay an agency or lawyer to find a surrogate. To make matters even more complex, the surrogate mother has up to 25 days after the birth to nullify the previous arrangements and keep the baby herself.

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We’re now well into Month 4 of Michelle’s life creating project. To give you a glimpse of what’s going on inside her world — literally —  I’ve chosen some more passages from the new book “What To Expect When You’re Expected”, by hilarious funnyman David Javerbaum.

The book is available at every single bookstore in this world and many others, including the internet ,and is a bargain at twice the $15.00 cover price. (That plug should be enough to spare me from the author’s wrath in borrowing his material.)

Here’s what Mr. Javerbaum has to say about what’s happening these next few weeks:

Week 14 — The baby is “really moving now — flexing muscles, wiggling fingers and already demonstrating a broader range of motion than Richard Gere.

Week 15 — “This is when it gets really hard to tell what fruit you’re the same size as. Some say apples, other tangerines. It’s impossible to say for sure as these vital comparisons have become yet another victim of the ongoing “turf war” between obstetricians and the produce distributors…”

Week 16 — “Well, well well…look who’s creating urine! Mazel tov on the excretory system. But word on the street is you’re peeing every 45 minutes. Slow down there, Tinkly — this is a uterus, not a urethra.

Next, our new fav author goes on to discuss Michelle’s next big decision — finding maternity wear. Because…putting it very delicately…she’s beyond the ‘oh wow that was an amazing all-you-can-eat-hot-fudge-sundae-bar-I’ll-diet-tomorrow-and-lose-it, temporary adjustment time period. Thankfully, this amazing book is full of great advice:

“Today’s woman can choose from a variety of stylish and comfortable looks that are at best form-fitting, and at worst not form-mocking. More practically, many of these clothes will adjust as you and Mommy grow bigger, thanks to a well hidden array of straps, bands, buttons, bolts, hinges, clamps, clasps, hasps, knobs, levers, pulleys, ratchets, industrial-strength flanges and steel girded support beams.”

“Of course these clothes will only fit Mommy for a short time. To save money, she might want to consider staying 40 lbs overweight for the rest of her life.”

“Another option is asking to borrow maternity clothes from friends. This she should do without guilt. She will then loan them to some else next year, just as someone loaned them to her friends last year. In fact, it’s an open secret that the same 100,000 maternity dresses have been circulating around the world for the last half century.”

Finally, he wraps up this chapter with some pregnancy factoids from around the world, including:

In Australia, unborn babies are called “bludgeroos’; pregnant women are ‘tammywobbles’.

In Cuba, new fathers, mothers AND babies smoke cigars.

Meanwhile in Israel, fetuses are continually hounded by mothers for ‘never calling’.

In Nambia, all ultrasounds are FedExed to Brangelina.

Girls in the womb in Saudi Arabia are forbidden from “kicking suggestively’.

Panama birth canals are exceedingly long and owned by the government.

And finally, new pregnancies in Vatican City are greeted with a mix of shock and covert pride.

Thanks again to Mr. Javerbaum for allowing me/not noticing that I’m using his rich material.

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