Silliness



 

When you look at this bracket, she was an obvious naming choice.

Imagine you’re in an elevator heading down. The car comes to a stop at the 13th floor. The doors open and you find yourself surrounded by this group entering/stumbling in:
One of the Brady Bunch.
A 50s-era cheesecake photo dominatrix.
THE gay icon
A ruined Disney teen star or two.
Multiple drug-addled singer-actresses.
A 1920’s and current era cartoon character
A 2009 Jersey Shore character so bizarre she’d be more believable as a cartoon.

No, this elevator isn’t going on an express descent to hell. You’ve found yourself in the middle of the next bracket of GuestWomb’s Field of 64.

If you’ve happened to stumble upon this humble blog, and have no idea what I’m talking about, I suggest you go here. Or just leave with your sanity intact.

Still here? OK, then.  Today we’re heading over to the female side of the bracket, unveiling the Paris Hilton Regional. Our Selection Committee labored for at least 12 minutes to choose the actresses and singers who best represent the ultimate Gestational Surrogate.

Now, to the matchups:

(1) Beyoncé vs. (16) Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, 2011 (legal) version. This is basically a bye for the ebony megastar. She’s gonna be a tough out in this tourney. Miley/Hannah isn’t even of legal age to be a surrogate. Well, maybe in…Montana.

(8) Snookie vs. (9) Betty Boop. How do you find a person more shallow than a 2-dimensional cartoon?

Hello,  Snookie.

(5) Mrs. Brady vs. (12) Britney Spears. Consider their made-for-TV spouses. Mike Brady was secretly in the closet. Kevin Federline was not so secretly in the refrigerator.  

(4) A  Kardashian To Be Named Later (pick one) vs. (13) Marge Simpson. Take your pick of the E network all star Kardashians. This is a matchup of a cartoonish woman saddled with a bizarre and dysfunctional family against…… Ah, make it a matched set.

(6) Whitney Houston, pre-Bobby Brown era vs. (11) Betty Page.

Early Whitney was the first Beyoncé. If only she would have Betty’s whips and handcuffs,
I bet she would have put Bobby in his place.

(3) Lindsey Lohan vs. (13) Betty White. I imagine both of these women might be snorting some powder before this matchup. Of course, Betty would be doing lines of Metamucil. Alas, I’m not sure Betty’s doctor is going to go for the whole surrogacy thing. She is 88 for God’s sake. Then again, they OKed Michelle, so….

(7) Pam Anderson vs. (10) Cher. Most young boys during the 1980s and 90s lusted after one of these two women. Alas, for very different reasons. Neither one of these nominees will be showing up on a ‘best dressed’ list anytime soon.

(2) Lady Gaga vs. (15) Amy Winehouse/Courtney Love. Weird vs. Weirder and Weirder Still. While this might seem like a mismatch for the lady with the Poker Face and few clothes, it’s really not. We just figure that either Winehouse or Love will be in Celebrity Rehab and only one will show.

So there you go — the sixteen ladies from the stage and screen battling for their place in surrogacy supremacy. Luckily there’s no drug testing to get in this event or we’d be left with Mrs. Brady vs. Betty White.

We’ll journey back over to the Men’s field tomorrow with our picks for actors, singers and the others too difficult to categorize. Fittingly, we’ll call it the Elvis Regional Bracket.


Another reason why I love the NCAA Men’s hoop tourney: It’s how my very best ‘brush with fame’ story came to be.

Spring of 1983. I was sitting on a mostly deserted press row as a newbie sportswriter, covering a Western Regional doubleheader in Corvallis, Oregon. As I watched underdog Princeton tangle with Oklahoma State, I noticed a guy take the empty seat next to me. I did a double-take — it was the the coach of the winning team in the first game! His motley team had just survived a two point win over heavy underdog Pepperdine and he looked completely wiped out. Without so much as an introduction, he started a running commentary to me like I was his best friend. 

For the next three hours he jabbered nonstop in his rich Queens, New York accent, teaching me more about basketball that I had accumulated in my previous 23 years of life.

Three weeks later, he coached his team to the biggest upset in college basketball history, taking down the vaunted Phi Slamma Jamma Houston Cougars. I’ll never forget my private coaching clinic from the irrepressible Jim Valvano.

(Why do I hear the late Paul Harvey’s voice intoning: “and now you know…. the rest of the story”.. Good DAY!)

Here we go — introducing your John Edwards Regional Bracket. (If you’re wondering what in the hell this is all about, go here.)  This is the best of…. They’re the top…

Well, let’s just say we’ve selected males in the sports, political and business arena. Past and present. Dead or alive. Real or imaginery. Guys who would produce….fascinating….gestational surrogate offspring.

I’ll introduce them in order of their first round pairings. At the top of the bracket, our number one seed:

(1) Wilt Chamberlain vs. (16) Figure Skater Johnny Weir. The Big Dipper vs. Feathers and Fur. Experience most definately in Wilt’s favor. He claims to have slept with 20,000 women.

Weir? Uh, considerably less.

(2) Hugh Hefner vs. (15) The Burger King. With the Girls Next Door serving as cheerleaders, the edge goes to Hef although I still expect a Whopper of a game out of the King.

(3) Lance Armstrong vs. (14) Kobayashi (Hot Dog Eating Champion). It’s a great matchup.

A guy who crams a huge quantity of unnatural substances into his body for the sole purpose of winning championships versus a guy who loves him some hot dogs.

(4) Tiger Woods, pre-Thanksgiving 2009 edition vs. (13)  Attila the Hun. Epic contest here! A guy who conquers all, pillages and plunder women against…..uh, same kind of guy.

(5) Dick Cheney vs. (12) Montgomery Burns. Whoa. Another mirror image first round matchup! Prince of darkness X 2.

(6) Al Gore vs. (11) David Beckham. Gore thought he had the top seed but lost out on a recount. (rim shot). Beckham gets in for his foreign passport and as eyecandy for the female readers of this blog.

(7) Roy Hobbs (the hero in the move, The Natural) vs. (10) Donald Trump. 

The Natural vs. The Donald. Feel good against feel bad. 

(8) Mike Tyson vs. (9) Darth Vader. Good thing Vader wears a helmet; no risk of losing an ear.

So there’s half of your Men’s bracket. The Selection Commitee had a tough time narrowing this field down. Think of the luminaries who didn’t make it in? Barry Bonds. Bill Clinton. Terrell Owens.

The Vatican.

Tomorrow, we’ll go across the bracket to the Women’s side. We’ll preview the female actresses and singers who are nominated in our Field of 64. Otherwise known as the Paris Hilton Regional Bracket.


 

I warned you this would happen.

March Madness — my favorite time of year. Otherwise known as the NCAA Basketball Tournament, I’ve enjoyed this wonderful four weeks of frenzy since….well forever. So many awesome memories associated with it.

Watching games with my Dad on a grainy B&W television as John Wooden’s UCLA teams defined the meaning of a true  ‘sports dynasty’. Attending two Final Fours in person, perched in the extreme nose bleed section of that cement tomb otherwise known as the Seattle Kingdome.

So what does March Madness have to do with Gestational Surrogacy? Well everything of course, at least in my warped mind. Because this month of basketball passion and pagentry is about living the dream. Striving for that ultimate goal. To truly call yourself: Number one.

So back to surrogacy: If you had the chance to pick the Number One male….and female….to create the ultimate embryo to be implanted into a surrogate….who would that be?

Ronald Reagan and Margret Thatcher? Albert Einstein and Madame Curie? How about Andy Warhol and Janice Joplin, pre-1960s drug habit?

See where I’m going here? The possibilities are almost too much to comprehend. How could you possibly arrive at the Final Two?

Well, the answer is quite simple: Using an imaginery tournament set up and run by a blogger with way too much time on his hands!

Welcome to GuestWomb’s Field of 64. This is more like two tourneys in one, with 32 men and 32 women vying for the honor to produce the ultimate surrogate child.

So here’s how it works. The Selection Committee — consisting of myself, a surprisingly agreeable Michelle and my equally warped daughter Emma — have chosen the Field of 64. Thirty two men on one side of the bracket, and 32 women on the other time. We’ve grouped them by categories — sports legends, famous politicians, stars and starletts, etc. Plus a smattering of wildcard entrants who really don’t fit into any one box.

Who’s eligible to be selected? The criteria is pretty wide open. Men and women — and even those who are still trying to figure out which column they fit — of any time period. Dead or alive. Even fictional characters are allowed. Remember this is truly the Dream Team, the ultimate Gestational Surrogacy pairing for all time!

(Notice I didn’t refer to this pairing as necessarily the Best and the Brightest.  Once you see the nominees you’ll see why.)

Did we make the right choices? You’ll soon see. I expect a lot of comments on our selection. Who should have made the list. Who shouldn’t be included. (Carrot Top?!?! Really?) Yes. Really. 

Now that the Selection Committee has made its choice, I’ll then rank them — or in tourney speak, give them seeds. The top ranked entry — or No. 1 seek — will be matched up against the lowest person. So it’ll be No 1 vs. No. 16, then No. 2 vs. No. 15, and so on. Both the men’s and women’s draw will have two 16 ‘team’ regionals or bracksts, just like the real deal.

And just like the NCAAs, we’ll play them off every week or so. We’ll be down to the Sweet 16 by the end of this weekend. The Elite 8 will follow next week, leading into the Final Four. Finally we’ll come up with the utlimate surrogacy pairing and ponder what kind of child this team would produce.

So as we count down the weeks towards our real end game, this should provide a fun diversion to watching Michelle living a little bit larger every day.

Lets get this party started! First up will be the top left bracket on the Men’s Field, sixteen nominees composed of male sports figures, politicians and business leaders.  We’ll call it the John Edwards Regional Bracket!

(IMPORTANT NOTE — This post and more to follow are not meant to minimize or belittle the amazing miracle that is gestational surrogacy. I think my previous 73 posts show my respect and awe for this journey. But c’mon folks, a guy can only write so much about the comings and goings of Michelle’s uterus.

Also: Per the laws of the Commonwealth of Pennyslvania, this bracket is not intended for gambling purposes.) 


Our wedding anniversary is coming up — on April 4 to be exact. Ah, 18 continually blissful, calm, placid, stress-free years together as a family..

OK, even I had to roll my eyes over that one.

Despite our ups and downs — with a few loop-de-loops thrown in for good measure — we’ve beaten the odds and made it almost two decades as man and wife. Which begs the age old question:

What’s the perfect anniversary gift for the woman who was made pregnant by another man? (And another woman too, if you’re keeping score at home)

Anyone have a suggestion?


I knew this journey was going to be full of surprises. But here’s one that I really didn’t expect: I’ve found a new guilty pleasure.

It’s keeping score of the blog. In other words, watching the trickle of folks come and go into the site. This blog is created in WordPress and they’ve got a pretty nifty dashboard that lets me see all kinds of stats and numbers. I go up there 3-4 times a day to view the scoreboard.

Which is pretty silly because the traffic is more like a two lane dirt road in the middle of Nevada than a street scene in midtown Manhattan. But it’s slowly growing.

The charts go from just a couple of people wandering in. Then some more. And a few more. And now it’s a pretty steady stream everyday. My traffic. My audience. And it’s nice to know that my words are becoming a part of a few people’s day.

Most of the people who come upon this place are because of my participation in others’ blogs, adding comments or messages with my web link. But more than a few have literally stumbled upon this place by doing Google searches. WordPress actually records what search term people are using to click into GuestWomb. So this abridged list below are actual search terms from Google that brought people to my site:

  • Guest Womb. GuestWomb. Guestwomb.com Yep. This must be my Mom, forgetting the name of the site.
  • Gestational Surrogacy. Surrogacy. Sure, all those make sense.
  • Tila Tequilla. Tila Pregnant. Tila Tequilla Smoking Yeah, those Tila updates have been popular.
  • Embarrassing Facebook Pictures. Hm.
  • Mexican Mowing Lawn. What?
  • Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, courtney
  • Surrogacy Horror Stories. Horror Stories of Surrogacy. Well, hopefully not.
  • Funny Man Mowing Grass Images.
  • Electromicroscope.
  • “Bobs Mail Order” sample. Scratching head.
  • Baseball Throwing Yips
  • It is illegal to paint sparrows to sell. I should hope so.
  • Michigan law wife’s hair. Uh, ok. I hope they found what they needed on GuestWomb.
  • Bear stained glass.
  • Scariest Roller Coaster. Well, maybe.
  • Lollipops banned in washington state
  • Oldest Dallas cowboys cheerleader girl. Would that be Courtney?
  • Virginia law tickle woman
  • Pimp suit
  • Paris Hilton baby photo. Oh please God no.
  • Misdeeds. You’ve come to the right place.
  • Ted Kaczynski timeline.
  • Illegal fishbowl on bus

And I’m not making this up:

  • Baby pic with big dick.

Stealing a line from a famous internet author:

Yep, these are my readers.


GuestWomb will try to take credit for this, too.

In the very best tradition of Steven Colbert: Score one for GuestWomb!

Lawmakers in the state of Washington have succumbed to the pressure of humiliation and scorn, arising from their recent lampooning in GuestWomb.com:

State House says paid surrogacy should be legal

Women in Washington should be allowed to collect money for becoming surrogate mothers, the state House decided Monday.

By BRIAN EVERSTINE

The Associated Press

OLYMPIA — Women in Washington should be allowed to collect money for becoming surrogate mothers, the state House decided Monday. On a 59-39 vote, lawmakers approved a bill that would allow women be paid for serving as a “gestational surrogate” — meaning they carry a child, but are not its biological mother.

Under the bill, House Bill 2793, surrogates would have to be at least 21 and have previously given birth to a child. Additional requirements include obtaining medical coverage for the pregnancy and immediately after birth, passing mental and physical examinations, and signing a written consent form. Prospective parents also would have to meet certain requirements, including a mental health evaluation and an affidavit from a doctor attesting to a medical need for surrogacy. Gay and lesbian couples, however, wouldn’t need a doctor’s certification.

Just as I was beginning to think that Washington’s lawmakers are a progressive bunch, the story takes a decided turn to the absurd:

Opponents of the bill said introducing money into the decision raises a risk of women becoming “factories” to carry children.

“Money is often a crucial factor that would cause a woman to hire out her body,” said Rep. Norma Smith, R-Clinton. “Will these women have no identity apart from being a suitcase to carry a developing infant? How far will they be pushed into invisibility as a surrogate?”

Ha. Surrogates pushed into invisibility. That’s a good one. Hasn’t she read this?

Why do I suspect Ms. Smith is a Sarah Palin supporter?

In other Washington state law:

It is illegal to pretend that one’s parents are rich.

It is illegal to buy a mattress on Sunday.

It is  illegal to sleep in an outhouse without the owner’s permission.

In Spokane, Wash., it used to be illegal to interrupt a religious meeting by having a horse race. Thankfully, this onerous law has been repealed.


My wife said she looked long and hard to come up with just the right Valentine’s message this year. Something like:

I love it that you’re letting me have another man’s baby.

Unfortunately Hallmark doesn’t seem to stock that theme…

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