And so begins the most politically incorrect — possibly borderline rude — post to make onto Guestwomb.com thus far.

At least I hope so. I’ve typed out other, even more controversial posts intended for this space. Here were a few of the working titles/topics:

Baby, Space Alien or Human Turducken? You make the call.

Back to the bargaining table? Michelle’s surrogacy fee didn’t cover MY pain, suffering and sacrifice,and how am I gonna cover the hookers, ‘blow and bail money for those last few weeks of her pregnancy when I’m in Vegas?

19 Bizarre Habits of Pregnant Women, and the Men Who Start A Secret Blog In Order to Write Rude Insensitive Comments About Them.

I have NO idea who the father is? It could be one of a dozen guys….” — rib-splittingly funny ways to shock complete strangers about Michelle’s pregnancy.

Sadly Michelle, the official blog censor, squashed each and every one of them.  She’s just not a good sport about such things.

But I digress:

This post concerns one of the two most sensitive topics to every woman on the globe. Age is one of them, but I’m not going there. (Yet.)

A lady’s weight is the other. I think every man knows these are quicksand topic areas, and should do his best to avoid discussing at all costs. But am I just any guy? No. Way. 

I just have to weigh in here, truly awful pun intended. First let’s set the record straight: By all apparent and not so apparent signs, Michelle is having a normal, healthy pregnancy. The alien baby is growing right on schedule, already 12 inches long, well over 2 lbs himself, all signs good. Thumbs up, everything AOK.

And outwardly things look…well normal. I’d like to phrase this next part most delicately: As she’s now just starting on month 7 of this pregnancy, Michelle is beyond just ‘glowing’, and having that cute little ‘baby bump’ that everyone talks about.

No, she’s beyond all that. (And here’s where I spend just about all the goodwill capital I’ve built up with my loyal and tiny audience. You’ve come to recognize me as the ultra supportive husband, who is 100% behind my wife’s decision to embark on this journey. Right? Well, remember that as we progress down this slippery slope.

So let’s speak the plain truth. She is now…ripe.

Bountiful.  Abundant. Temporarily Zaftig.

Parentally Plump. She’s a SBABW — Semi-Big All Beautiful Woman.

Michelle has a bun — plus three cupcakes, a prune Danish and quite possibly a bundt cake — in her oven.

I think I’ve made my point here. There is roundness which cannot be denied.

Enter the magic.  Our truly magical bathroom scale. Because despite all outward evidence to the contrary, our trusty scale has only moved a couple of pounds north for her. In fact less than five. FIVE POUNDS?!?!

Each time she exits the bathroom and proudly announces her weighty findings I paste a happy smile my face and utter something profoundly supportive such as:

“Oh, no way in hell,” or something else endearing.

And yet I’ve seen it for my own eyes. It’s truly magical. Maybe even a miracle. I’m wondering if her wet foot prints are somehow forming the silhouette of Mary and Jesus when she stands on the scale pads, and that could be a contributing factor.

Michelle has her own theories, some of which she’ll allow me to share with this blog. “Every pregnancy is different,” she maintains. As for her…uh…measurements, that is very true.

With our oldest Emma, M gained a grand total of 45 lbs. With our youngest Sara, that number was down to 19. I’m thinking that the way these numbers are trending, she could launch her own diet plan empire.

I mean if Taco Bell and Subway can really market their crap as being part of a healthy weight loss plan, would it be so crazy to make this claim:

Surrogate Away Those Unwanted Pounds! Michelle’s “Have a Kid and Lose The Weight” plan — Guaranteed results in 9 months!

As for me I’ll go with the magic theory. And hope that a little her witchcraft and sorcery can rub off onto my OWN weight struggles.

(Writer’s note — let it be known that Michelle did listen to me read this draft and approve of its posting. The fact that she was barely awake as she listened has nothing to do with her approval.)

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