We’re now well into Month 4 of Michelle’s life creating project. To give you a glimpse of what’s going on inside her world — literally —  I’ve chosen some more passages from the new book “What To Expect When You’re Expected”, by hilarious funnyman David Javerbaum.

The book is available at every single bookstore in this world and many others, including the internet ,and is a bargain at twice the $15.00 cover price. (That plug should be enough to spare me from the author’s wrath in borrowing his material.)

Here’s what Mr. Javerbaum has to say about what’s happening these next few weeks:

Week 14 — The baby is “really moving now — flexing muscles, wiggling fingers and already demonstrating a broader range of motion than Richard Gere.

Week 15 — “This is when it gets really hard to tell what fruit you’re the same size as. Some say apples, other tangerines. It’s impossible to say for sure as these vital comparisons have become yet another victim of the ongoing “turf war” between obstetricians and the produce distributors…”

Week 16 — “Well, well well…look who’s creating urine! Mazel tov on the excretory system. But word on the street is you’re peeing every 45 minutes. Slow down there, Tinkly — this is a uterus, not a urethra.

Next, our new fav author goes on to discuss Michelle’s next big decision — finding maternity wear. Because…putting it very delicately…she’s beyond the ‘oh wow that was an amazing all-you-can-eat-hot-fudge-sundae-bar-I’ll-diet-tomorrow-and-lose-it, temporary adjustment time period. Thankfully, this amazing book is full of great advice:

“Today’s woman can choose from a variety of stylish and comfortable looks that are at best form-fitting, and at worst not form-mocking. More practically, many of these clothes will adjust as you and Mommy grow bigger, thanks to a well hidden array of straps, bands, buttons, bolts, hinges, clamps, clasps, hasps, knobs, levers, pulleys, ratchets, industrial-strength flanges and steel girded support beams.”

“Of course these clothes will only fit Mommy for a short time. To save money, she might want to consider staying 40 lbs overweight for the rest of her life.”

“Another option is asking to borrow maternity clothes from friends. This she should do without guilt. She will then loan them to some else next year, just as someone loaned them to her friends last year. In fact, it’s an open secret that the same 100,000 maternity dresses have been circulating around the world for the last half century.”

Finally, he wraps up this chapter with some pregnancy factoids from around the world, including:

In Australia, unborn babies are called “bludgeroos’; pregnant women are ‘tammywobbles’.

In Cuba, new fathers, mothers AND babies smoke cigars.

Meanwhile in Israel, fetuses are continually hounded by mothers for ‘never calling’.

In Nambia, all ultrasounds are FedExed to Brangelina.

Girls in the womb in Saudi Arabia are forbidden from “kicking suggestively’.

Panama birth canals are exceedingly long and owned by the government.

And finally, new pregnancies in Vatican City are greeted with a mix of shock and covert pride.

Thanks again to Mr. Javerbaum for allowing me/not noticing that I’m using his rich material.

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