The “Magic” Scale

And so begins the most politically incorrect — possibly borderline rude — post to make onto Guestwomb.com thus far.

At least I hope so. I’ve typed out other, even more controversial posts intended for this space. Here were a few of the working titles/topics:

Baby, Space Alien or Human Turducken? You make the call.

Back to the bargaining table? Michelle’s surrogacy fee didn’t cover MY pain, suffering and sacrifice,and how am I gonna cover the hookers, ‘blow and bail money for those last few weeks of her pregnancy when I’m in Vegas?

19 Bizarre Habits of Pregnant Women, and the Men Who Start A Secret Blog In Order to Write Rude Insensitive Comments About Them.

“I have NO idea who the father is? It could be one of a dozen guys….” – rib-splittingly funny ways to shock complete strangers about Michelle’s pregnancy.

Sadly Michelle, the official blog censor, squashed each and every one of them.  She’s just not a good sport about such things.

But I digress:

This post concerns one of the two most sensitive topics to every woman on the globe. Age is one of them, but I’m not going there. (Yet.)

A lady’s weight is the other. I think every man knows these are quicksand topic areas, and should do his best to avoid discussing at all costs. But am I just any guy? No. Way. 

I just have to weigh in here, truly awful pun intended. First let’s set the record straight: By all apparent and not so apparent signs, Michelle is having a normal, healthy pregnancy. The alien baby is growing right on schedule, already 12 inches long, well over 2 lbs himself, all signs good. Thumbs up, everything AOK.

And outwardly things look…well normal. I’d like to phrase this next part most delicately: As she’s now just starting on month 7 of this pregnancy, Michelle is beyond just ‘glowing’, and having that cute little ‘baby bump’ that everyone talks about.

No, she’s beyond all that. (And here’s where I spend just about all the goodwill capital I’ve built up with my loyal and tiny audience. You’ve come to recognize me as the ultra supportive husband, who is 100% behind my wife’s decision to embark on this journey. Right? Well, remember that as we progress down this slippery slope.

So let’s speak the plain truth. She is now…ripe.

Bountiful.  Abundant. Temporarily Zaftig.

Parentally Plump. She’s a SBABW — Semi-Big All Beautiful Woman.

Michelle has a bun — plus three cupcakes, a prune Danish and quite possibly a bundt cake — in her oven.

I think I’ve made my point here. There is roundness which cannot be denied.

Enter the magic.  Our truly magical bathroom scale. Because despite all outward evidence to the contrary, our trusty scale has only moved a couple of pounds north for her. In fact less than five. FIVE POUNDS?!?!

Each time she exits the bathroom and proudly announces her weighty findings I paste a happy smile my face and utter something profoundly supportive such as:

“Oh, no way in hell,” or something else endearing.

And yet I’ve seen it for my own eyes. It’s truly magical. Maybe even a miracle. I’m wondering if her wet foot prints are somehow forming the silhouette of Mary and Jesus when she stands on the scale pads, and that could be a contributing factor.

Michelle has her own theories, some of which she’ll allow me to share with this blog. “Every pregnancy is different,” she maintains. As for her…uh…measurements, that is very true.

With our oldest Emma, M gained a grand total of 45 lbs. With our youngest Sara, that number was down to 19. I’m thinking that the way these numbers are trending, she could launch her own diet plan empire.

I mean if Taco Bell and Subway can really market their crap as being part of a healthy weight loss plan, would it be so crazy to make this claim:

Surrogate Away Those Unwanted Pounds! Michelle’s “Have a Kid and Lose The Weight” plan — Guaranteed results in 9 months!

As for me I’ll go with the magic theory. And hope that a little her witchcraft and sorcery can rub off onto my OWN weight struggles.

(Writer’s note — let it be known that Michelle did listen to me read this draft and approve of its posting. The fact that she was barely awake as she listened has nothing to do with her approval.)

 

Must. Blog. More.

Guilt. Such a powerful force, especially for a kid who grew up in an Episcopal/Catholic family. The Jews might think they corner the market on this particular emotion, but be assured that we WASPs have our own potent brew of remorse du jour. More persistent than gravity, guilt is like a tsunami of emotions rolling up most everybody in its path.  

But not everyone. Some foks can shrug it off and not let guilt affect them. That’s not me. My well developed ability to react to it was passed down through my genes I’m afraid. It’s both a blessing and a curse for me. Guilt — or the avoidance of it – is what makes me get up at 5 a.m. to make sure the kids’ lunches are packed, dog and cat fed, fire started in the fireplace, coffee brewed, breakfasts on the way — all while Michelle gets in the last of her daily 11 hours of sleep. (just kidding).

Most people experience most of their guilt in a ‘oh, why did I do that’ regret. I express it as a ‘if I don’t do this/that I’m going to feel guilty’ reverse (or is that perverse?) kind of way. It’s a powerful motivator for me. Maybe I get guilt confused with having a sense of duty or purpose, but the result is the same.  I feel lousy if I don’t get thing done. 

It’s also what puts those knots in my stomach when I realize I’ve forgotten to do this, or call that person.

Or to blog. Yeah, really. I feel guilty about taking the time to do my daily keystrokes.

And that’s pretty silly. For one thing, it’s not like I’m sitting around on my ass watching TV in my off hours. This New Year has been chock full of a heavy load of work, helping my kids do massive homework projects, and finding many hours eaten up after being voted onto the board of directors for a local non profit charity.

The other ridiculous part of my Blog-guilt: It’s not like  my audience of 23 people and 411,232 spambots are waiting with baited breath for my next profound offerings.

And yet still I feel that nagging sensation each time I see an open date on the calendar on the GuestWomb dashboard without an entry.

Let’s see if I can do better. Can’t let down all those spambots just itching to crawl all over this site.

 

More Surrogacy Law — Washington State

 

Another in a series of silly surrogacy laws.

From the Pacific Northwest, where people don’t tan…they rust (rim shot) I bring you the laws of the land in the great state of Washington:

It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag

All lollipops are banned.

X-rays may not be used to fit shoes.

A law to reduce crime states: “It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.

One may not spit on a bus.

In Seattle, they are getting REALLY tough on crime because: You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

And the Emerald City is strict in other ways too: Women who sit on men’s laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.

No one may set fire to another person’s property without prior permission.

It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.

Meanwhile, the city of Everrett declares that it’s illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.

And finally in the metropolis of Wilbur, the city father’s have declared: You may not ride an ugly horse.

Ugly is a good way to describe the Evergreen’s state’s stance on surrogacy contracts. The law prohibits surrogacy contracts for compensation over and above medical expenses as against public policy. No person (including lawyers, agencies or organizations) may enter into, induce, procure or otherwise assist in the formation of a surrogacy contract for compensation.

Any person or agency who intentionally violates this provision is guilty of a gross misdemeanor.

 

Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself

In Michelle’s own words:

I feel I must update anyone who may be reading this as I may have left some people hanging.

I mentioned before that I was going to receive additional testing to see if there was  a placenta previa. And so I worried and worried. For about three weeks. Followed all the doctor’s orders. Didn’t do any heavy lifting or the like. Learned all the ins and outs of it.

And then….my fears all went away. I was tested again — this time by a new (and improved!) set of doctors. No placenta previa.

And through all of this stress and worry and extra doctor appointments, the IPs were there every step of the way. Michelle and Barb have gone to every appointment even though it meant driving 90 minutes plus out of their incredibly busy days to get there.  I so appreciate their support —  and even more the lunches we enjoyed after all those tense appointments!

The baby boy, who so nicely strutted his stuff on the ultra sound monitor, is healthy and very active.  He even did a hgh kick to show off as he must have known that he was being watched.

He is a healthy pound and a half and 12 inches long. So with 17 more weeks to go I am feeling more confident that everything will be just fine ……in spite of my age.

 

Your Tequila Update

The scariest pregnant picture ever

As promised here at GuestWomb.com, we are staying abreast — and every other body part — of the Tila Tequila surrogacy story.

My favorite (not) website, TMZ.com is now reporting:

Tila Tequila says she’s pregnant and she’s willing to confirm it — for a price.

We’ve learned Tila is shopping an ultrasound around she says proves she’s having a baby.

As for who the father is … God only knows.

UPDATE: Tila tells TMZ, “I hope it’s a boy but I’m not gonna find out ’cause I don’t wanna know. But if it’s a boy the name is Jayden. A girl – it’s Violet.”

She says the baby daddy is “a Swedish man – gorgeous.”

 

The Curse Of Knowledge

I’ve spent a couple of evenings trying to explain our ‘setback’ in Michelle’s journey as I alluded to in this post. And not doing so well. Maybe it’s because I’m much more inspired to write about light, whimsical and amusing topics. Not potentially serious stuff.

As a result, I’ve really labored (Ha. Labored. A pregnancy reference! See, this is what I mean about my problem of sticking to difficult topics. And being too easily amused.) at recording this little bump in the road.  So the last couple of nights have consisted of: Write, delete, write, edit, delete, play an online game, read ESPN, read about Conan and Leno…… And get nowhere. I even fail at describing accurately her latest situation above. It’s not a ‘setback’ or a ‘bump in the road’ at all. It’s a…..

Ah, to hell with it. Let Michelle tell the story and I’ll just get out of the way.

When I had been pregnant before (Ha, in the last century! Alright, that wasn’t fair. Or helpful. And I’m supposed to stay out of it.  Let’s start over.)

When I had been pregnant before  there wasn’t as much information available about tests, ultra sounds, diseases etc as much as there is today.  It was easy to think that everything was going to be fine, picture perfect becuase you were a little more in the dark. Ignorance was bliss in my case. I just assumed all was well. And it was.

But 14 years can make a differance.  There have been great strides in medical testing so that you can know everything about your baby, defects and all. And I mean everything.

Along my journey these last few weeks, there have been a couple bumps in the road (Oh, maybe it IS a bump in the road. I stand corrected.) starting with a blood test that came up a little  high for spina bifida.

So I did that natural thing, just retest……it too came up a little higher than normal but not by much. So additional tests were conducted.

The results were that all was well with the baby, No spina bifida was seen on an super 3-d ultrasound, but now they might have seen a placenta previa.  That is where the baby plants itself near the cervix opening or right on it, making it difficult to deliver later on. This will be confirmed later this week. 

So far there has been a lot of worries and stresses that I had never experienced before….I had always assumed that everything was going to be fine, and they were.

I am older now and have to come to terms with that, even though I feel 29. I am more than halfway through this pregnancy and feel very hopeful that all will be well, but am also being well cared for, cautious and informed. (Maybe too informed?)

The gift of life is just that, a gift….there are no guarantees in life, for life.  I dont believe in perfection, the perfect baby or perfect pregnancy.  I believe in being healthy, carrying a healthy baby and experiencing a healthy pregnancy. 

That is what I hope for now.

 

Live AND Write.

How in the world did I manage to include this picture in a blog about my pregnant wife? Amazing!

My wife is fond of saying that men are simply incapable of multi-tasking. And of course I always rise up to this challenge against my entire gender by dismissing her claim as baseless.

“That’s bunk,” I say, “I know plenty of men like me who can watch a football game on TV, text their friends on their cell phone, call to order pizza on the land line, and check their fantasy football stats on ESPN.”

“OK,” she says. “How about doing laundry while dinner is cooking, overseeing the kids’ homework and talking to my Mom on my bluetooth headset? OH, and be 5 months pregnant with a child for another couple.”

“Um…….,” I quicklycounter. “I can also think about the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders at the same time, too.”

OK, she’s got me there. Especially about that pregnancy part.

So it’s true that I may be multi tasking challenged, especially when it comes to this blog. While I”ve been busy living life to the fullest for the past few weeks, it’s been damned hard to find the time to write about all that living.

I need to learn what the other 800 million bloggers out there seem to have learned — to find a balance between:

#1 Doing.
#2 Thinking about what we’ve been doing.
#3 Recording the product of #1 and #2 for posterity.

Easier said than done on a daily — or even weekly — basis. I’m thinking that I’m going to be a streaky kind of blogger. Punching out a few posts now and then. Then once in a blue moon: Exploding with numerous posts during those all-too-rare moments when creativity intersects with a high energy level, combined with five spare minutes where I can find time to put fingers on keyboard.

And with the football season sadly coming to an end, maybe those times will occur more frequently.

And yet I am pretty sure I can both blog AND think about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

 

Merry-Go-Round or Roller Coaster?

My regular GuestWomb readers — waving at my Mom and Dad. Hi, Libel lawyer. Howdy Mr. IRS agent  — may have noticed a few gaps between posts. I’ve set a pretty fast pace — 55 posts in 4 months — to launch this blog, and the last couple of weeks have been a needed break.

And it’s a good thing that I’m rested and ready to hit the keyboard. Because there’s a lot going on. It seems this surrogacy thing isn’t exactly the easy, slam dunk, done deal, no sweat, smooth sailing (insert cliche of your choice here) problem-free voyage that I had conjured up in my mind.

There’s a scene in one of Michelle’s favorite movie that comes to mind. It’s called Parenthood (ha…it just occured to me this very minute how ludicrous this is: A Gestional Surrogate’s favorite movie is Parenthood). Actors Steve Martin and Mary Steenbergen are experiencing more than the usual trials and tribulations of family life. Near the end of the movie, Martin’s elderly grandmother goes off on a riff about experiencing life in the allegory of an amusement park.

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Martinl: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Martin: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn’t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it. 

God I hope this ride doesn’t have those upside down, stomach twisting, loop-de-loops.

 

Purple Jump Suits, Flashy Bling and Surrogacy

When I think about what magazine might do a story on the surrogacy issue, I’m thinking…Parenting? Maybe Family Circle? Or even Ms Mag? Nope.

How about  the trendy men’s book, Details?  Yeah, that wouldn’t have been my guess, and yet here it is.

http://tinyurl.com/y9kjr8m

Naturally they come at it from a different angle, as it’s titled “Would You Let Your Wife Have Another Man’s Baby.” And it’s not bad. I liked it for its honesty and its generally accurate portrayal of surrogacy, at least what we’ve discovered so far.

But one line pretty much ruined this article for me. Can you spot it?

Here: I’ll save you the trouble:

“Shirley Zager, director of Parenting Partners, a surrogate service in Chicago, estimates that there have been about 28,000 such births in the United States since 1976. The women who make them possible are almost always married to guys like Brent, men who are comfortable pimping out their wives’ bodies for nine months at a stretch.”

Well as the song goes, It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp. (An aside: did that song really win an Academy Award for Best Song in 2005? Wow.). But it’s even harder for those who try to educate people about surrogacy, and the reasons why a woman — or in our case, a family — decides to embark on this journey.

Did the writer — a female by the way — carelessly toss in that line without a second thought? Or was it a very conscious way of casting judgement on those of her own gender who go down this road? Either way, it’s  an unfortunate choice of words. And it shows either her carelessness or stupidity. Take your pick.

From my newly minted, but still limited,  knowledge about the world of surrogacy, I’ve come to realize that everyone seems to have a different reason for wanting to become a surrogate. On the one extreme, it can be a cold, business relationship between surrogate and IP — as depicted in the Details story.

And on the other extreme: It’s a selfless call to action, an opportunity to share a blessing and provide the miracle of life. These situations — or close facsimiles — seem a lot more prevalent I’m happy to say.

And many of them are somewhere in the middle. Maybe it’s done on the behalf of a friend or family member who can’t have children of their own. Maybe the money is needed to fund a college education. And many other reasons.

But, as the author puts it,  pimping out their wives’ bodies? That describes a husband actually pushing her to use her body in this extreme sense. To actively solicit for the arrangement. 

Unimaginable. Even if there was some bizarre couple from Dimwit, Arkansas (sorry to my AR readers) who approached a surrogacy agency with this mindset, they’d be quickly shown the door before the screening had barely begun.

Besides, I think the purple jump suit and excessive amount of gold jewelry he’d be wearing  to the screening interview would be a dead giveaway.

 

Look Who’s Joining the Surrogacy Party!?!

Tila Tequilla, left, pre-Internet. At right, second only to Paris Hilton on this blog’s “Most Utterly Useless Person” chart.

Emphasis on the word “party” of course. Because our newest entrant in the ‘Let’s Have A Baby For Somebody Else’ sweepstakes is none other than internet non-personality, Tila Tequilla.

According to various sources, including her own erratic Twitter Feed, the self-made reality starlet announced that she’s says giving the gift of life for Christmas as a surrogate mother for her brother and his wife.

“That is my xmas present to them. I’m pregnant!!!!” Tequilla wrote.

Of course this could all be another publicity stunt. Because just last summer Tequilla started rumors that she was pregnant in a late night Twitter post — which she quickly retracted, probably because someone told her swigging her namesake drink or doing drugs while with child is a big no-no. She must have forgotten that little detail when she agreed to take on this 9-month job.

Tequilla is best known for creating her own importance through collecting ten zillion friends on the formerly-popular site My Space (You DO remember My Space, don’t you? That was Facebook with training wheels).

Once that schtick ran dry, she hosted her own MTV reality/dating/affront to human intelligence show called “Shot at Love” where her bisexuality was played to the hilt.

Now if only Lindsey and Courtney Love can find it in their hearts to do this unselfish act, surrogacy could finally come out of the closet and find its way onto Entertainment Tonight, the E Channel and the gossip tabloids where it belongs! 

Please stay tuned to GuestWomb.com for every late breaking news flash on Tequilla and her own very special surrogacy journey.